I'm one of those people that kicks himself down when I know i've hurt someone dearly. Each time i think, dwell, relive that moment - i kick myself down even harder. You think you can hate on me?? you think your words can hurt me?? no, it just adds more to inflict more pain to myself. I'll take all that you hate about me, all that you say bad about me and turn it into loathing self-pity. I'll take that and convince myself how much of an evil/bad person i am - How i've changed into a person with no morals, no direction. A person that denies himself happiness, denies himself love, denies himself of being loved by anyone. I internalize it and now look at me. I'm not that happy go lucky guy anymore. All those words, all those hateful words i've molded myself to become into this closed unapproachable being. Who is this guy?? i'm not happy. i know that. you know that. i think everyone knows that. i can't see myself as a good person anymore. i can't see how good of a person i am. i don't see it. all i see is my wrong doings and the hurt i've caused. everyone's ready to move on. i can't...i won't...i won't allow myself to. its a sick mind game. so sick that the moment i start enjoying myself, i flip a switch and say "whooaaa....." and "check" myself - to make sure that i'm supposed to be who i'm supposed to be. you know what though?? fuck you! you people think you know me??? fuck you! judge me all you want, but i can't do this anymore. i can't judge myself and keep denying myself the life that God has given me. I WILL NOT let you get to me. I KNOW who I am and what i've become. I've made my mistakes and accept them. I can't make everyone in this short life happy. Go on with your self-righteousness. Go on and talk about me and spread shit about me. what do you know??? do you know my life??? did you walk in my shoes??? did you have to make decisions based on what's good for the family rather than what's good for yourself??? no?? so FUCK yourself. do you know what it's like to hurt the people you have love and know so? then move into feelings of confusion, misdirection, and self-worth for the next 2 years of your life. STUCK. never have i ever been so lost. never have i ever become so indecisive. never have i ever become not sure of me. Not sure of who i am. No one has helped me remember. Only helped me remember who they want me to be. Who am i? who was i? I AM a person determined to overcome my challenges in life. I AM a person who will keep on trying until i get it right. I AM a person that will not only prove to people but most importantly to MYSELF that I CAN and I WILL do what I WANT. I AM a catholic that does have my morals. I AM a person that does know what LOVE is. what LOVE emits. how LOVE is something that you give and give. How LOVE can emit feelings that transcends beyond comprehension. I know because I have experienced it. I AM ARC RAZAL. I AM RENNIER RAZAL. I AM who I SAY I AM - NOT YOU. frustration.....leaving with frustration. leaving irritated and bothered. leaving with a troubled thought. Can't sleep, hardly sleeping. working all the time. How i miss loving work. How i miss that i'm grateful that i was ever allowed to work. How i miss using my brain to help people become better. I miss IT. who was i???? was it because i've entered the real world that my eyes have been open from the bubble that i've lived in? - - - - i still blame myself. i still hate myself. help. help. help me. help me to forgive. help me to forgive myself... help me to love myself..... =*( | 
